Tales From the Dairy Case

So I have been working for Winn Dixie in the grocery department for almost a year now. There are horror stories and lore of magic going down in that little store. However, one story continues to rest itself every time I work. No, not Deja Vous, but a sick twisted mind that is oh so cleaver.

I call the person the Gustafson!

Everyday I come in I find an empty to a "one last sip to go" bottle of Gustafson's chololate milk. The bottle is about 16oz in weight, give or take an overload or error.


Now I don't mind that the person is stealing some chocolate milk. I mean come on, chocolate milk is pretty awesome. It combines two of the most sacred things: Milk (A common household beverage) and Chocolate (A plague of sweetness in your mouth that may or may not bring sexual arousal-ness).

What I care about is that its GUSTAFSON'S MILK!!!!! Have you seen the picture on the bottle!?!?! Its mad! Please excuse my picture taken from my phone, it does not take the sheer terror into focus.

See the rather plump older gentlemen behind his wife in the seal. The man's face reads "I beat my wife with a baseball bat of money, while drinking my own fatty milk!" Then the wife, so skinny and unhappy to the eye of the beholder. Then if you take a detour out of the seal you see the cattle from which the milk comes from. Yes yes, we see it now. Get your best cow in the picture! All the others are too week to stand from being underfed! Maybe thats why the milk tastes so darn rich? Its not vitamin D added, but malnurisment added!

But hey I could be wrong. Heck, I haven't had that kind of milk in years. Since I have gone vegan, I don't even remember what milk really tastes like.

On a sour note ending, "Up yours Mr. Gustafson!"

Lies to Flush

Since I've been home from Guatemala I haven't done much. I went and saw Trash Talk play the day after I got home. That was a good welcome home for me anyway. Other than that I've been working like crazy.

I put my convincing lies to the test and called Tommy Cantwell. I told him that I went sky diving a few days ago. now the only way to make this story true is by adding shit into the conversation. So I said

Instructer- You ready to go?

Me- No!

Instructer- What? Go? Okay!

Then I told him I got so scared that I shit my pants a little bit froma ll the adrenaline I was experiencing from the jump. Tommy believed me haha.

Here is a drawing of the happy moments of working at Winn Dixie/ Dirty Dixie/ Winn DickMe... enjoy.

In other news, I should be buying some mustache handlebars for my fixed gear soon. They look comfortable and I figured I would try them out. With that being said I believe I should grow out my handlebar mustache I had the beginning on senior year in high school.

The steps I will take:

http://www.ehow.com/how_2070325_grow-handlebar-mustache.html

Under The Rock

Well I've been back from Guatemala for almost two weeks now. The last weekend there destroyed everything inside of my bowels. I am still feeling a little bit of the affects of the pasta.

*Note to everyone: Never eat pasta in Central America

I'd draw something or write more, but I am far to lazy.

Its my day off.

Oh Lando

Chris and I decided to make a trek to Orlando. The last time we did this via bicycle was back in December for TIFY Fest. This trip was long overdue and we had yet to ride our fixies that far.
Chris and I took a breather just getting into Sanford. We took a long hard gander at the river below us. I contemplated jumping for the sheer joy of doing it. Chris would have liked to see me die.
This is Chris and I just getting into Longwood. We decided to stop here and talk each other out of suicide. If your not familiar with Longwood along 17-92 I'll tell you its pretty shitty. Not much to see and more broken bottles to avoid than redneck outing. The only thing keeping us alive were the nice smoothies we enjoyed in Lake Mary at Maui Smoothies. I had a peanut butter, chocolate, and banana smoothie. Chris had something with pomergantie if I remember correctly.
Chris and I ran in Mario while in either Casselberrry or Winter Park. We had to high tail it from some Koopa Troopas. They were lean, mean, green turtle shell hucking machines. I was suprised Mario could keep up with us while we were "fixing it" (lol) at about 30mph.
Chris and I had finally reached Orlando. It took us about 3 1/2 hours counting out breaks that we took. I don't think it was too bad on time either. We went to meet up with Dylan and Cy at Tijuana Flats. We were graced with the presents of some of their friends as well. There was a little secret passing going around the table to unveil a surprise. The secret was to all sing Morgan happy birthday. Chris twisted the version of the story to bash me like usual. He then corrected the secret being passed around the table. After Tijuana Flats we parted ways with Morgan and friends and headed to Dyland and Cy's house for some "alone time."
Chris is now contemplating plastic surgery to look like Bert of Sesame Street to get the ladies. I prefer to look like shit.

Lukes Favorite Thing

So this past weekend there was a vegan potluck before a Kingdom show in Daytona. I decided to whip up something nice for everyone.

I had a few bananas in the freezer that I was saving to make some banana bread. I converted to a vegan diet the that week, so I thought it was going to be a treat.

That night I gathered some supplies from work to make the bread. I found out the only thing I needed to buy was sugar that wasn't refined through bone char and applesauce. Along with that I got nutmeg, baking soda, and some wheat flour. I didn't need any of that. I need to open my eyes more in the cupboards.

I found a recipe online and began to make some bread. The first batch looked a little dry so I doubled the applesauce size. Still looked a little dry.

Once it came out it looked like this...

I made a huge mistake. This doesn't look good at all haha. My mother couldn't help just try a piece. She then spit it out and said it taste just like baking soda. My dyslexic eyes read 3/4 cup of baking soda instead of 3/4 teaspoon. I know... I'm an idiot.

I threw that thing away. It did take the nasty smell out of my garbage barrel. I was going to give it to Chris Kee as a joke, but I didn't feel like putting in my backpack and taking it to him.

I then made some more bread and did it the right way. It looked like this...

Holy shit, let me tell you, this was good as hell. I took it to Chris' house and then to the show. I asume it was good to everyone else since I only got a small piece of it.

The Hawk

So this blog will be continued as a crappy comic of events that happen to me. I'll point out the horrible things I draw and make fun of everything. I only will only do these with one shot, no wasting paper.


This past Wednesday I had to turn in a paper to my English teacher Dr. Hawkins. I do not like this woman. She should not be teaching. That is besides the point.


Dr. Hawkins began the class by collecting the papers we wrote. They were supposed to be at least 3 pages long. She drew closer to me and my friend Jessica Reddy rose from her seat. Her papers were un-stapled. Dr. Hawkins took a quick hawk like glare at the papers. She then burst out in a hungry hippo rage. She began to yell "For God sakes its the third month of school and you can't have your papers prepared before you come to class?" Dr. Hawkins then stormed out of the class room after throwing a yellow folder. Everyone in the class snickered and commented on her juevinile way of handling a simple problem. Dr. Hawkins emgered back into the class room with a stapler that she had taken from her office, just a two second walk from our class room. She then started to ramble on about having everything ready. I looked around the room to see that everyone was out in "La-La" land and ignoring her. My guess was that they were still giggling about how she got so worked up over un-stapled papers.


This is a math problem of what happend a few days ago.

Story Time

So I spent the night at my buddy Richards house one night. It happened to be extremely cold for this time of year. It was continually cold the next day. I was planning on riding my bike from his house to the DSC campus. His father offered me a ride about half way. I accepted his offer.

Once I was let out I began my trek down New York ave. I didn't have gloves so I decided to ride no hands and put them in my jacket pockets. This turned out to be a fatal mistake. If you know New York ave then you know its shitty. Its made like a bad sidewalk. Anyway my wheel went into a poorly filled crack and my weight shifted. This caused the front wheel to turn sideways. You might have guessed what happened next. I began to fly. Fly like a penguin that is. Lucky for me I got my hands out of my pockets in time to absorb some shock. I then rolled most of the fall out. My feet stayed inside my clips, so my bike went with me a ways. THe back wheel was then hit very hard on the ground. My rim was then bent slightly.

I arose from the fall in a "Whaowhatthefuck" fashion. I got my bike and continued on to school. I felt certain areas of my body hurt. Later I found out that my left forearm and shoulder were a little scratched. Somehow my left ankle was scratched near the Achillies tendon. My guess is it was the pedals that did the trick.

I arived at school late.

I got a ride to the bike shop to talk to BST (Bike Shop Teddy).

He fixed it the next day.

I ride with hands now (Well not all the time).

Two days off from work is awesome.

I hate family gatherings.

And Chris Kee.

And Charles Chaussinand.

Here is a hand drawn dramatization I made. I spent a long time drawing them. Even longer installing my step-dad's scanner. His computer was in the shop.