Hesitation Equals Death

I popped a tube on my way home from school today. I have about a 3 hour window til I had to go to work. I did my usual do nothing before I actually did have to go to work. Within that time I did actually do nothing and forgot to change my tube. When I was getting ready for work I realized this. I scrambled to get my tube changed like a pit crew at a NASCAR race. I got dressed and went out the door knowing I was going to have to book it extra hard to get to work on time.

There is a slight hill on 17-92 going down on my way to work where I can get some good speed. I just passed Barn Hills, aka the most disgusting place I've ever eaten or been to in my life, when a white Grand Caravan went past me. There was an older couple in the vehicle pulling into some parking lot. I'm not sure what the store they were going to was though. Anyway, the man who was driving came to a halt to turn into the parking lot when he saw me coming at a good speed and almost directly behind him. He did a slight hesitant turn to the right as to pull in, but stopped and then decided to gun it in the parking lot. His effort was in vein as I was already to his immediate right.

I find it amazing how fast the brain can process something. You can take one look, just long enough to blink and information is sent to every part of the body on what to do before you even know to think about it. Well, I knew I was going to be hit by this van at this point. So many things went through my mind; the crash , what would happen to me, my bike, thinking about fun things I've done with my friends, people I've never talked to, but just seen in a hallway, and at the same time I felt like nothing when through my head. I consider that my life flashing before my eyes.

I felt my front wheel hit the passenger side of the van and my body being trusted forward. I had my right hand on my break trying to evade the situation, but it was no use. I didn't think to do this, but I guess as a bodily reflex to live I put my left hand out and planted it on the van. From there I pushed as hard as I could to keep my face from smacking into the vehicle. Somehow that actually seemed to work and I was able to throw myself off of my bike. I got my left leg a little caught up in my pedal, but I was able to run off the entire crash. I ran off the crash. I went through what had just happened in my head a thousand times, as I put my hands on my hips, exhaled slowly, and turned around to see the damage.

I figured my bike was completely run over at this point. I figured I wasn't going to be going to work that day. I thought about how scared my mom was going to be when I told her what had happened. I thought about everything, but at the same time nothing really registered in my mind. I felt like everything was not there and everything like me sitting at home watching this on television.

The old couple had actually not run over my bike and got out of the car to ask if I was alright. I was fine, or what seemed to be fine. I removed my bike from underneath their car to see the wreckage. The couple then parked their car and assessed their damage quickly. They went over to me asking if I was alright repeatedly and if they should call an ambulance. I replied with I'm fine I just need to fixed my bike. As I went to adjust my stem to line up the steering I asked them if they were alright. I figured they were since they were in a van, but hell I could have given them a heart attack. The man said they were both fine and just continued to worry about me.

I stood up only to shake the man's hand and to tell him thank you for stopping to see if I was alright. They didn't really have an option because they were at their point of destination. I then left without a name, a number, or anything. I didn't care about a settlement for money, or how much I could get out of them for a new bike. I didn't think about that at all. I was in such a complete daze to everything. I laughed off some of it on my ride to work, that is until I realized my front tire was going flat. It was the same tired I had change just 5 minutes before the accident. I made it to work and I called my mom. She freaked out to say the least, but I assured her I was alright.

Shock was the worst part of this whole ordeal. For the next two or three hours I was walking around feeling confused, but I knew what was going on. I felt like everything I was doing wasn't real and wasn't happened. It was kinda like you knew you were dreaming and decided to do whatever. I thought about a lot of things, but nothing seemed to register and stick. I thought about so many things and the accident so much I got a headache.

I'm A Traitor

I switched back to my single speed free wheel. No more fixed gear for a while.

To Be

Alone.
Thats something I'm wanting right now.
Just fill a backpack and ride away on my bike.
I don't know where I'll sleep or what I'll eat.
I feel like this a lot.
Like I need to do this someday.
Maybe more than once.
I hate being tame.
Is this a coming of man instinct I have?
No freinds.
No phones.
No lovers.
No computers.
No parents.
No teachers.
No one, but me.
It would be nice to go somewhere where I can't name one person.
I'd leave a note, so they wont worry for my death so much.
I don't care where and I have no reason why.
I just want solitude for a minute.
A month.
A year.
Why?
Is it so I can know what its like to really be loved and known?
I doubt it.
Is it to cherish what I have and own?
Most likely not.
Sometimes I just want to be alone.
Not in my room.
Not in my town.
And maybe not this state.
Maybe I'm trying to find God or maybe just myself.
But this is what I want.
Just to leave.
Maybe for just and hour.
Or a year.
I don't care.
I just need it.

A Poem A Song A Story

A cup of sacred blood
Washed down with a bottle of cheer
She's just hiding
From nights of wasted time
You can't leave because of the fear
There's no talking
At least not here
God cut her in half like he did with Jerusalem
A song from the heart
She believed it from the start
She's just claiming
The strife in her mind
She believes nows the right time
Cause shes been lying
God cut her in half life he did with Jersusalem
No
God cut me in half like he did with Jerusalem

'Bout time

Matt Label is a new kind of genius. The kind that thinks something is so funny before he can even get it down on paper. That is what happened when Matt decided to draw me. From the top of my bike hat to the tip of my scooter. I actually rode one this past weekend, but thats besides the point. I love the "Cowa bunga" reference. Last week consisted of us repeating "10 years ago" in a horrible Matster Splinter voice. The amount of lawn like leg hair is in great detail and sub-humanly correct. Yes, the Sub-Humans. The Volume 33 is a mystery to me, unless there are 32 other drawings of me floating around. Which would be creepy, but awesome. My "Vegan 4L" tattoo doesn't actually exist, however I am now debating on geting it when Matt drew it. I can't get over the "Jay Leno Chin." Its far too great and I should have one in reality. I've never warn a fanny pack, but I see that they are in fashion. I should get one to be cool. I thought my left left was broke to the side, but apparently I am "getting air" and kicking my legs out? All without the slightest bit of amusment as we see in my face. I haven't ever been able to draw something so good in my life. that is unless you count the Anhinga I drew for jessica Reddy last year. It was a masterpiece.

Thank you Matt Label. Your drawing it wonderful.
I don't know if I spelt your name right, but shit man I tried.

Man-oh-man

I had a tear roll down my face the other day. I haven't had that happen in at least six years. I'm not going to tell you my sad story of why I can't cry, but of something beautiful that caused that single tear to emerge from my right eye.



I'm a big fan of Current TV. I thank and love my girlfriend Michelle for showing it to me. The channel has some of the best stories of struggles in the US and around the world. Racial, poverty, the good, and the bad, all on one channel.



I flipped on the channel to do my usual watching. An hour long segment of the Gay Rights battle in the US was on. I am a very big supporter in the Gay Rights movement, it was a must to watch. I had never really watched much on TV about the struggle. This was mainly due to the fact I had no idea of this station and it wasn't covered to keep my interest on others.



I watched every minute of each states struggle to get the rights that gay and lesbian couples deserve. I saw the Christians, Muslims, Jews, and every other protester out there with their signs. "God Hates Fags" and everything else. I grew extremely outraged when I saw these. As usual in TV the "Happy part" came to calm the supporters down. It showed many gay and lesbian couples going and getting their marriage licenses in Massachusetts. It was followed by other couples' stories and getting their licenses in the states that failed to pass the gay marriage ban. At the end it added the defeats that Gay Rights had in the last election, but hope for a better tomorrow.

Seeing the look on these couples faces was seriously incredible. If anyone ever doubts that they are in love, and think that attraction between same genders is impractical, you are dead wrong. After all what do we know about love anyway? Love can not be explained in any way shape or form. No book can write the words of love, but you feel it. The idea of gay marriage is not to tarnish the very foundations of marriage, but to have almost all the same rights as married couples. Gay and lesbian couples cannot get out of work if a lover is dying. I find that to be the worst among the rights they don't have. The state wont recognize their love. What devastation that would bring if it ever happened to me. I thought about what it like to have that same scenario play with my girlfriend Michelle and I. That right there was what made me shed a tear.

Now the last time I checked this was a country that had separation of Church and State. The people across the United States fail to realize this. They can't swallow their religious pride long enough to see that this is a constitutional right. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't one of the 10 Commandments "Obey the law of the land?" If this is certainly a constitutional right then why is this happening? They just want rights not the blessing or the tarnishing of any God or gods.

Two more things I'd like to share on this rant:

1) I made a promise to myself a while ago that if gay and lesbian couples cannot have the same rights I can, then I choose not to have them. Once all 50 states have a civil union or gay marriage of some kind, I will consider being married.

2) A friend of mine made fun of this vow I have taken. His exact words were "Why would you want to do that, gay people are pretty much everything bad in the world." I can't tell you how much ignorance and disgustingness is in that sentence. By his God's way all sin is punishable by death. There is no scale of sin you are put on. Your either a sinner or Jesus/God.

Fin.

Oddity

I find it odd that some of my good freinds and I are in some pretty shitty times. I don't know their situations very well, but i know enough to know they are not well.

To relieve some of this depression I guess I'll spill out what is going on with me. Its just small things that have been building.

1) My computer broke and its going to cost a lot to fix it.
2) I got new tires and tubes for my bike. My step dad's tire pressure guage is broken and I exploded my new tubes.
3) My best friends have been on tour for the past 3 months.
4) My relationship with my step dad is good when we don't talk. Yesterday he blew up on me because I used up the shaving cream (I ment to put another can in the bathroom) and bbq sauce (Which I didn't use up. I've been in a hot sauce rage).
5) Tonight my light fell of my bike on my way home from work. When I went to go get it a car ran it over.
6) I've had a really bad kink in my neck all day which has enabled me to turn my head right.
7) 1/3 of our freezer section at work broke. I spent all night and part of the morning taking everything out and putting it in the big freezer.
8) I haven't done much, but get up and go to work.
9) I've become apart of the American Debt Society by taking out a student loan.
10) The only person I spill my heart out to has been in India for two weeks. I haven't been able to talk to her.

I don't know. I'm depressed. Hopefully I'll snap out of it by tomorrow morning like usual. God hates me.